Fight global warming with Jazzycat Carbon Credits

Whereas Al Gore, Sheryl Crow, and other activists have warned that CO2 emissions are causing global warming, hurricanes, breast cancer, and are going to cause flooding of the whole state of Florida.

Whereas we human beings are causing this crisis and should feel very guilty.

Whereas some global warming internet sites warn that we only have about ten years to fix the problem.

Whereas we only have to spend several trillion dollars and ruin our economy to lower the temperature of the earth 0.2 of one degree.

Whereas the predictions of the global cooling and the coming ice age of the 1970’s did not offer any socialistic solutions and the “experts” had to re-load.

Whereas global warming will offer all kinds of opportunities for new taxes such as the proposed carbon tax.

Whereas it is estimated that “concerned” Americans will spend billions of dollars purchasing carbon credits.

Whereas trees take evil ole carbon dioxide and turn it into oxygen which takes green-house carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere.

Whereas Jazzycat Farms has several thousand trees……………..

We hereby announce that Jazzycat Farms will remove its acreage from the real estate market for housing development. Instead we will preserve all the carbon dioxide eating trees and offer them for sale as carbon offsets so guilty feeling American liberals can keep on using huge amounts of energy for their homes, autos, and airplanes. You can be just like Al Gore and consume obscene amounts of energy and rest assured that you have covered your carbon foot-print by purchasing your very own tree or trees.

For only $100.00 per each inch of tree diameter, you can purchase your own tree. For only $50.00 per year extra, you can name your tree and receive a photo of your tree every year to document its growth. The bigger it gets the more CO2 it eats. What an uplifting and rewarding feeling it will be to see your tree grow and produce more oxygen. For a one-time fee of $500.00 you can a purchase a lifetime ticket to personally come and visit Jazzycat Farms and hug your tree. If you come to visit your tree in a carbon free manner (walk or ride bike) we will give you all the natural spring bottled water you can drink. While we do not allow idol or creation worship at Jazzycat Farms, we will provide maps to all the missional emergent village churches within 25 miles of Jazzycat Farms.

In an effort to “make a difference,” Jazzycat Farms also plans to use part of the proceeds from the sale of carbon credit offsets to open the Jazzycat Institute for Guilt Free Mental Health. Our Institute will have two courses of study and therapy:

(1) If you are a secular humanist liberal and feel guilty about your prosperity, wealth, injustice caused by your ancestors and you blame everything on America, then our “Help Save the Planet” course will be just right for you. While a complete cure from this condition is unlikely, you can significantly reduce your guilt with courses that will teach you how to be a better activist for causes you probably have never considered.

(2) If you are a professing Christian or a basically conservative thinking person and have bought into the never ending barrage of propaganda from the left-wing news and entertainment media, then our
“Truth Through Discernment and Common Sense” course will be right for you. A complete cure is possible and probable from this course.

For more information contact:
Jazzycat Farms, Inc.
#1 Sucker Street
Cashcow, MS 39299-$$$$
Tel: 1-800-buytree
Website: jazzygreen.com