Monday, April 30

Fight global warming with Jazzycat Carbon Credits

Whereas Al Gore, Sheryl Crow, and other activists have warned that CO2 emissions are causing global warming, hurricanes, breast cancer, and are going to cause flooding of the whole state of Florida.

Whereas we human beings are causing this crisis and should feel very guilty.

Whereas some global warming internet sites warn that we only have about ten years to fix the problem.

Whereas we only have to spend several trillion dollars and ruin our economy to lower the temperature of the earth 0.2 of one degree.

Whereas the predictions of the global cooling and the coming ice age of the 1970’s did not offer any socialistic solutions and the “experts” had to re-load.

Whereas global warming will offer all kinds of opportunities for new taxes such as the proposed carbon tax.

Whereas it is estimated that “concerned” Americans will spend billions of dollars purchasing carbon credits.

Whereas trees take evil ole carbon dioxide and turn it into oxygen which takes green-house carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere.

Whereas Jazzycat Farms has several thousand trees……………..


We hereby announce that Jazzycat Farms will remove its acreage from the real estate market for housing development. Instead we will preserve all the carbon dioxide eating trees and offer them for sale as carbon offsets so guilty feeling American liberals can keep on using huge amounts of energy for their homes, autos, and airplanes. You can be just like Al Gore and consume obscene amounts of energy and rest assured that you have covered your carbon foot-print by purchasing your very own tree or trees.

For only $100.00 per each inch of tree diameter, you can purchase your own tree. For only $50.00 per year extra, you can name your tree and receive a photo of your tree every year to document its growth. The bigger it gets the more CO2 it eats. What an uplifting and rewarding feeling it will be to see your tree grow and produce more oxygen. For a one-time fee of $500.00 you can a purchase a lifetime ticket to personally come and visit Jazzycat Farms and hug your tree. If you come to visit your tree in a carbon free manner (walk or ride bike) we will give you all the natural spring bottled water you can drink. While we do not allow idol or creation worship at Jazzycat Farms, we will provide maps to all the missional emergent village churches within 25 miles of Jazzycat Farms.

In an effort to “make a difference,” Jazzycat Farms also plans to use part of the proceeds from the sale of carbon credit offsets to open the Jazzycat Institute for Guilt Free Mental Health. Our Institute will have two courses of study and therapy:

(1) If you are a secular humanist liberal and feel guilty about your prosperity, wealth, injustice caused by your ancestors and you blame everything on America, then our “Help Save the Planet” course will be just right for you. While a complete cure from this condition is unlikely, you can significantly reduce your guilt with courses that will teach you how to be a better activist for causes you probably have never considered.

(2) If you are a professing Christian or a basically conservative thinking person and have bought into the never ending barrage of propaganda from the left-wing news and entertainment media, then our
“Truth Through Discernment and Common Sense” course will be right for you. A complete cure is possible and probable from this course.

For more information contact:
Jazzycat Farms, Inc.
#1 Sucker Street
Cashcow, MS 39299-$$$$
Tel: 1-800-buytree
Website: jazzygreen.com

27 comments:

Gayla said...

Jazzy, can you give me an estimate on how many sheets of toilet paper one tree will render?

jazzycat said...

A little break from Romans 1. Actually, it fits Romans 1 fairly well especially v. 22 & 25.

Coral Ridge Ministries has been running a series on the enviroment on the Coral Ridge Hour. While I am no expert on the subject, I believe the people and scientists that refute all this hysteria much to the tenth power more than the Al Gore bunch. Al Gore has even been quoted saying that it is alright to exaggerate due to the seriousness of the problem.

HELLO, he has admitted he lied.

I will try to get back to Romans 1 on the next post.

jazzycat said...

Gayla,
Great thought. Buy a Jazzycat tree and save it from being made into toliet paper..... One small tree would probably last Sheryl Crow a lifetime.

Gayla said...

Well since I'm WAY past the 1 sheet per visit allotted amount, I thought I might purchase one of your trees, manufacture my own t.p. and call it a day.

Gayla said...

BTW, Jazzy, this was a GREAT post. Highlight the absurd with absurdity. :)

jazzycat said...

Gayla,
thanks. The really sad thing is that I probably could sell my trees for this purpose. When I hear people defend Al Gore's huge energy bill because he has invested in carbon offsets, it makes me feel like I am in the twilight zone. (Carbon credits, carbon tax, carbon footprints) When did the loons take over the asylum?

Scribe said...

I'd like to purchase a pine tree...does Jazzy take checks over the phone?

Craver Vii said...

It's probably good that I only have three trees. Otherwise, I might be tempted to do the same thing.

jazzycat said...

Scribe,
I don't know. I will ask Jazzy's personal attorney, Mr. I.R. Sleaze.

Craver,
Three trees. Just think if we all planted three trees we could probably jump-start another ice age.

Marcian said...

Does course number 2 come with Jazzy Cat's slap upside the head?

jazzycat said...

Marcian,
I see you have been in the archives (the early days when Jazzy did the writing from her feline perspective).

Course #2 probably would need that as a last resort.

This global warming swindle is an amazing and scary thing to watch.

BugBlaster said...

You are very entrepreneurial.

directorblue said...

That's great! Also, The Sun is reporting that European governments have asked the EU to examine, "the livestock question in direct connection with global warming... The official EU declaration demands changes to animals’ diets, to capture gas emissions and recycle manure."

So... why not Cowbung Offsets?

Bluecollar said...

In India they don't use toilet paper... So there! :-)

Jazzycat for president in '08. Hillary, watch out!

Even So... said...

The funnny part to me is that Al Gore is known as being "wooden"...

jazzycat said...

Directorblue,
I guess European liberals are further along in their delusions than those here in America. More and more I feel that I am living in a twilight zone. It is really sad to see otherwise moderate to conservative Christians believe the propaganda that the left-wing media spews out. You would think the Dan Rather incident and as well as other examples would at least make people a little more skeptical of their agenda based reporting.

Jazzy would be better than Hillary because she would sleep all day and therefore would at least do no harm..........

Al Gore the wooden prophet. Look for him to jump in the race as the savior of the planet. If he wins, get ready to pay those carbon taxes.

Wayne

Steve said...

Thanks for the laugh. very creative.

I'm in. I wanna buy a three trees and I signin' up for both courses. And please send me one of those maps, asap.

jazzycat said...

Steve,
Thank you. I will put you down. I think we have Dan Rather lined up to be a guest lecturer. His topic will be, "When spin is not enough, LIE."
wayne

Shiloh Guy said...

We need to get Jazzy a late night comedy talk show. Oh, wait a minute! Maybe she could take Don Imus' time slot! Or we could replace just about any host on NPR! Or...what about a show on Trinity Broadcasting? You could actually bless the trees and ask for a lot more money!

Dave

jazzycat said...

Dave,
From those comments, I believe you could have a show as well...... This probably won't be so funny when we have to start paying those carbon taxes.

wayne

jazzycat said...

The Latest from Drudge............
April 27 (Bloomberg) -- Visitors to the Gaia Napa Valley Hotel and Spa won't find the Gideon Bible in the nightstand drawer. Instead, on the bureau will be a copy of ``An Inconvenient Truth,'' former Vice President Al Gore's book about global warming.

And we are supposed to sign on with these people....

Missy said...

This is too fun! I hope you don't mind that I linked to this?

jazzycat said...

Missy,
Thank you. I sure don't mind.
Wayne

voyola said...

From those comments Best of Jazzycat. War on Global Warming · The super duper Great Society · Jazzycat carbon credits·
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ringo
Online Shopping of Gifts to India

Ringorai said...

Three trees. Just think if we all planted three trees we could probably jump-start another ice age.
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Online Shopping of Gifts to India

Celestial Fundie said...

I believe some scientist found that trees release methane at night, so far from off-setting carbone emissions, they actually contribute to global warming.

jazzycat said...

What a dilemma for the tree huggers!